He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
