yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
