I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
