Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
