Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
