I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
