I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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