cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
