I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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