I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
