so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
