My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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