Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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