3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
