Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
