I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
where am i from again
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
