when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
