I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
