Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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