I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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