you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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