I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
