the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
