Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
