he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Randomize
