He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
