At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
