he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
