it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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