i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You dont lie about slip and slides
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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