Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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