My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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