Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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