I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
