I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
