The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
