WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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