Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
