Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
