The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
