After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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