Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
