just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
