I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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