just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
