she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
