I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
