if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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