Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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