Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
