i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Floor bacon is actually really good
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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