The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize