I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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