I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
