How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
