I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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