I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
