omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Green mimosas i think yes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
