In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
