A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
